12.30.05
Posted in Uncategorized at by mountzionryan
Every year part of my family exchanges gag gifts from an imaginary extended family named Relaford. In addition to the tackiest cheapest gifts we can find, we also write a Christmas letter from our alter-ego family. The Relafords are every negative stereo type you’ve ever heard about Hillbillys. If you’ve heard the song “Merry Christmas From The Family” by Robert Earl Keen (or the more popular, but not nearly as good cover by Montgomery Gentry) you’ll know the sort of folks the Relafords are. Since we are pretty close to the source (we all have family that shares characteristics with the Relafords) none of this is done is any kind of mean-spirited way. We can make fun of our own family and friends, but don’t you try and do it—you might have a feud on yore hands!
Anyway, I thought my faithful four might enjoy the letter I wrote this year. It was originally hand written on pages torn from a “South Beach Diet” journal. In the date place on each page RayBob (my alter-ego) has written x-mas. (Tacky paper choice is also part of the fun) All misspelling and poor grammar and syntax is intentional.
To Air Family,
What a year its done been! We done had a Su-namee, two Hurrricanes, a war, and much else besides. And we got a kitty-kat.
Chyna Sue and Payton is doing good. Chyna Sue is in the 2rd grade now. I bleeve she’s only the second Relaford to go so far so fast (She’s only 9 year old). We entered her in this years “Miss Hot to Trot” pageant. Its where 8-10 year olds dress like they’re Britney Speers or one of the other MTV girls and parade they stuff around for the judges. If they win they get their pitcher took and put on coupons for “Hot to Trot Tater Tots.” We came in 2nd at the districk. That’s like two or three or four counties put together. We woulda come in 1st but that other girl could riley work them spike heels. We figgered Chyna Sue could keep a practicing and maybe be a drink girl at the Indian casino in a few years.
Little Payton is still chasing the dog, but now he’s got a cat what he can foller too. His arms looked like his momma’s red fishnets from where that cat scratched him. He finally learnt that cat don’t play the same as that dog.
Eulis was leveling his camper in air back yard from where his friend Weasel hit it with his Brat. He was drinking and before he could chug that beer that camper rolled right down the hill into the crick. It just so happens that we got a pregnant naybor named Candi Ledbetter who was getting all worked up and scared over watching FoxNews about the Sunami they had in China. When she looked up and saw that camper floating by, she done fainted dead away. Candi and her baby’s daddy named the baby Sue-Nammy. Ain’t that about as hill-billy as you ever heerd? I mean some people ain’t right. Made me glad to be a Relaford and not a Ledbetter .
Uncle Roscoe was watching on the TV where them folks in New Orluns was getting paid for being flooded so he stopped up all his drains and turned on all the water. Now he ain’t stupid, he took his garden hose and sprayed all around his house with it too. Now, Roscoe lives on a hill and after a few days of that water in his house and him waterin the bank it done slid away and took his house with it. He called the EPA or the FPA or FLEMA or whoever is writin them checks. He told them about how Hurricane Katrita done flooded his house away. They told him that they only help folks what got hit by Katrita and Pine Knob Tennessee didn’t get no hurricane. He’s sleeping in the old Monte Carlo in air back yard now.
Hay Law, I got me a new job. You may remember I done tried farming (pinky mice) and Elvis impersonating. Both jobs failed to yield compensation commiserate with the time and energy investment I was making. Furthermore, neither career lent itself to advancement. Now I’m doing yard work for Jesus. Yep, Jesus Rodriguez cut lawns in uppity nayborhoods. He’s the one what has them signs that say “Jesus mowed this lawn”. I’m really enjoyin it but am a little surprised how much Jesus likes Corona.
I figger since I’m around the Lord 5 days a week we can skip church. ‘Sides that preacher got to talking about how bad drinking, and gambling, and feuding is. So we all got likkered up, bet on who could take the preacher, and started a feud with his kinfolk.
Since I’m working again Felena has past the time with writin a book. After watching Springer for years she finally feels up the the taks of writing a “Ultimate Fan’s Guide to Springer.” She’s been watching about 8 episodes a day (we got em all on tape) to help her write. I don’t know how much she’s got done, but she’s gained 100 pounds, fights all the time, and is always making weird claims about her private life—really not much different than before.
Well, gotta go mail this afore the dirt bike runs outta gas, Felena’s done started it and is waiting to ride me over to town.
Mery Xmas
Ray Bob, Felena
Chyna Sue, Payton
Snot the Dog,
Coon the Cat
Permalink
12.28.05
Posted in Uncategorized at by mountzionryan
On December 28th, 1992, I was joined in holy matrimony to Lainey Day. 2 kids, 3 dogs, 2 cats, 1 college degree, 5 cars, 9 addresses, and thirteen years later I am more in love with her than I was when we got married. We were both young, fresh out of high school, with no real world living experience. But we were madly in love. We had previously been high school sweethearts (actually we were best friends for about a year first), but had a falling out. When we reunited it was like that year apart had ironed out some annoying traits from both of us.
Of my close group of high school guy friends, four of five are divorced with children. Of my wife’s closest friends one is divorced, and two have never been married. There’s something significant here. I should add that most of the guys prefer being married (or in a long-term committed relationship that so closely resembles marriage that only Tennessee’s lack of a common-law marriage, prevents it from being so).
PS. I have not forgotten my promised essay. I plan to have it finished before Theophany.
Permalink
12.14.05
Posted in Uncategorized at by mountzionryan
Mount Zion Press, of which I am a co-owner and Chief Editor, is pleased to announce that the first issue of Mount Zion Speculative Fiction Review is now available. It is 156 pages af great stories and poems. If so inclined, you can purchase a copy at www.mountzionpress.com/subscribe.html .
On a personal note, this has been, is, and will be a labor of love. Reaching this point is especially gratifying given all of the problems we’ve encountered along the way. We received our first subscription (you can buy single issues or a subscription) not 30 minutes after putting up the PayPal feature on our website. After the mind-numbing struggle its been since October, to finally have a copy in hand is quite nice.
Now to kick back and watch the money roll in! Ha ha snort chortle. Yeah! As we are hand binding every copy, it would be bittersweet.
I am still working on the essay. Stay tuned.
Permalink
12.09.05
Posted in Uncategorized at by mountzionryan
Part One of Five
An examination of the Orthodox story of Christ’s Nativity, how and why this differs from the Western story, and what the significance is of the same.
Introduction
Last year at Christmastime I read The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson to my daughter. I have previously blogged about this, but for completeness, I’ll recap my experience here. Like the other times I had read it I was quite moved by the story. This time, however, two things struck me. First, the Herdmans, the villainous clan of kids who terrorize the rest of the characters, really got it. They heard the Gospel and were saved.
Second, and more important to this essay, for the first time I was struck by the falsity (as I perceived it) of the details of the Pageant. The Pageant in the book is the basic Western image of The Nativity. Mary and Joseph are young and poor. They have traveled a long way and are tired and feeling a little lost. (The narrator even comments that “Ralph and Imogene looked like refugees, which Joseph and Mary were, if you think about it.”)
This is not the Orthodox icon of the Nativity. (I use the word icon in the broad sense of “image.” When used to refer to an Icon in the strict sense, it will be made clear.) How are the Western and the Orthodox icons of The Nativity different? Why are they so? Does it matter? I believe the Western and Orthodox icons of The Nativity are profoundly different, largely arising from changes in the post-Schism West, and have a subtle, but unfortunate consequence in an appreciation of the Incarnation.
A note about sources: I will make some attempt to cite sources for the varied information herein. Unfortunately my only means of researching this article is the Internet. Therefore, some references may be to less than ideal sources. Nonetheless, I believe my thesis is sound.
I hope this pique’s your interest. This represents the first time I’ve tried to write anything like an academic essay in several years, so the gears are a little rusty.
Permalink
12.07.05
Posted in Uncategorized at by mountzionryan
On Sunday Saint Nicholas visited St. Anne Orthodox Church. Here is a photo.
Paul is standing just to the Saint’s right holding his bag of gold (chocolate) coins.
Permalink
12.05.05
Posted in Uncategorized at by mountzionryan
Fun with Chinese!
I am a huge fan of the Chinese Buffet. I have one I go to regularly (re: twice a week) where I have a usual table and they know what to bring me to drink. (There’s something very comforting about that kind of service and familiarity, but that’s another post…)
When I eat Chinese I always ue chopsticks. I’m not sure why…it just makes sense. Heck they cut everything in bite sized pieces for a reason!
Anyway, I’ve been meaning to share some chopstick wrapper humor with you, my faithful four ™.
On one side we have this text, presented exactly as it appears:
“Welcome to Chinese Restaurant.
Please try your nice Chinese food with chopsticks.
the traditional and typical of chinese glorious history,
And culture.”
Okay…I’m not exactly sure what that means.
But here’s my favorite. It’s long, but I think it is funnier in context:
[Heading]Learn how to use your chopsticks
[There are three illustrations. They make sense and the instructions do a decent job of describing how to hold chopsticks. Next to each illustration is a bit of text.]
Tuck under thumb
and hold firmly
Add second chopstick
hold it as you hold
a pencil
Hold the first chopstick
in original position
move second
one up and down.
Now you can pick
up anything.
[emphasis added]
I tried it and I could only pick up small, light items. Like food.. Go Figure.
He-he-he
Permalink
12.03.05
Posted in Uncategorized at by mountzionryan
I was at the library returning The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe audiobook when I saw this Anne Rice’s latest book on the shelf. It is called Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt. I’ve not been a big fan of her other books, well truth is I’m not all that big into vampire fiction. Anyway, Iread some good reviews (Orthodox reviews even) and thought I’d take a look.
I have a soft spot for fictionalized Gospels. They never really challenge my understand of Who Christ is, but I find the stories are often pretty compelling. I’ve not reread Kazantzakis since becoming Orthodox but I remember liking it. One of my favorites is by Jose Saramago. I think that these books helped me see the fully human side of Christ before I was Orthodox. And, as I had no doubts about His divinity, I could compartmentalize the books’ skepticism.
Since Mrs. Rice provided an Author’s note at the end, I thought it would be helpful to see what her agenda is, who Jese is for her, before reading the book. Her writing the book turns out to be a part of a larger return to the faith. She grew up in a traditional Roman Catholic setting.
She did gobs of research (especially on first century Palestine) and here are some of her comments regarding the skeptical “Who was Jesus” books:
- “What gradually came clear to me was that many of the skeptical arguements–arguements that insisted most of the Gospels were suspect, for istance, or written too late to be eyewitness accounts–lacked coherence…Absurd conslusions were reached on the basis of little or no data.”
- “The whole case for the nondivine Jesus who stumbled into Jerusalem and somehow got crucified by nobody and had nothing to do with the founding of Christianity and would be horrified by it if he knew about it…that case was not made. Not only was it not made, I discovered in this field some of the worst and most biased scholarship I’d ever read.”
- “And I also sensed something else. Many of these scholars, scholars who appearantly devoted their life to New Testament scholarship, disliked Jeus Christ…I’d never come across this kind of emotion in any other field of research, at least not to this extent.”
- “The people who go into Elizabethan studies don’t set out to prove that Queen Elizabeth was a fool…they don’t even apply this sort of dislike or suspicion or contempt to other Elizabethan figures.”
So, I am reading on convinced that Mrs. Rice’s motives are genuine and a product of her own faith in the Risen Christ.
Permalink
Posted in Uncategorized at by mountzionryan
From Paul’s Birthday Party. I mentioned these about 6 weeks ago. (Sheesh on me!)
Paul with a surprise guest.
Paul with sister Sophie and cousin Allie (r-l).
Paul with his Grandpa (my father-in-law).
Me being tickled by the special guest.
Permalink
